Ninth post and i'm climbing out of my nine hells

Life is what you made up of you. I try to tell myself that I am lucky, fortunate and I should be grateful for what has been bestowed upon me. Then I ask myself again, why? Why do I feel this certain hollow part in my heart, soul and whatever that encompasses my passion and my lifeforce. Why do I feel so dead, even when the situation is so alive? Why do I feel sad when I should be happy? I really want to smile, laugh and cheer for the life that I have. Then comes the question again, why don't I punch my fist up to the air and rejoice for what I have. Well John, you always have question. Like what Miss HW would say, that is an existentionlist question. Am I doubting the significance of my presence in this material plane or am I just too caught up thinking about things that have no significance at all? I don't know, I really don't know. Recently, three potential soulmates came spiralling into my life. First one was J, then S and now M. I really hope it stops at M, I can't stand disappointments and depression again. It is just all so redundant.

J was probably one of my baby steps towards a relationship. Only to let me discover, how much I detest the idea of being with her at the end of the day. Why I feel this way? I have no eff-ing idea! S was very nice to me and I really liked her. But why John? Why must you have a heart? I couldn't bear to hurt her and myself. Then why did I land her in such a situation in the first place? I got no idea what I was doing, I know I liked her a lot but why does the social norm , status quo and "right way of things" have to justify that I leave her? Why does my heart and mind defer so much in rationality and decision-making process? And yet in the end, I chose to let her go. M came in like a whirlwind and I never did expect what was coming. She had her own set of problems, but we seem to be like kindred spirits. It was a rarity to find someone who actually almost know how I feel and my thoughts. It all seemed too good to be true, but some part of me feel apprehensive.

It's not that I don't trust M, in fact, I really want to. But like what she said, I need reassurances and I need confirmations. Yes! Mock me, mock John the "uncaring" man. I tried so hard not to think and care so much. But I always seem to be drawn into worrying, caring and feeling for people so much, especially the people I love or I want to love or start loving. So tell me world, why do I always end up like a neverending twirl of barbwire. Hurting and being hurt by the spikes of life and experience in the neverending process of trying to live a simple but fulfilling life.